My first yoga class was in High School. I was probably 16 years old and the class was lead by one of our English teachers. My best friend and I joined it as a way out of competitive sports that our New England Prep school makes everyone participate in. You have to do something each semester. So, our options were;  try out for team sports, club sports, Weight Training, Run Club, hiking, camping and canoeing, Ultimate Frisbee or yoga. We chose yoga. And each week for that semester, we went to the old and dingy academic building where it was held , we pushed furniture aside, put mats down ( I think there were like 5 of us) and promptly giggled to each other, laughed about putting our tush in the air, excused our selves to go to the bathroom, and then fell asleep, routinely each week.  We were rude, immature and didn’t get it, AT ALL.

Many years later, while living in Philly all of my grad school friends had picked up a yoga class in Center City they all loved. “You should join us!”  they would tell me each week.. “ I can’t, I have..... “ was my excuse each week. I was just not interested. I remembered the high school days, thinking it was a joke and sleeping. Wasn’t sure why I was going to pay someone for a class to lay down and sleep. I had no problem doing that myself. The peer pressure set in after about 6 months... and one night, with no excuses, I joined them. to me, my friends and all the other yogis at the studio were clean, thin, and beautiful. I did not feel as if I fit in , always a bit darker, a big thicker and never felt as if my clothes were new enough, clean enough. My toes were not always painted and my nails were certainly not attended to. It was actually not a warm or welcoming place. It was silent, quiet with an air of eliteness. No one spoke to each other and when the class before let out. the next group piled in, laid down the mats and took their “seats” . I was awkward. One of my friends slid her mat next to mine, I was relived. “oh good” I said to her , “you can help me, I’ll watch  you” “shhh “ she said.. “no talking in here “ “Oh sorry..I just thought you ..””SHHH”  I was really having a hard time with this no talking thing, I was so scared.

As a child, I didn’t fit in anywhere. Always a loner, never belonging to anything. I was not artistic, athletic, or popular, My mom and I were poor, I was embarrassed about my family, my apartment, my own body and large size feet. I was always closer to my teachers than my peers, and stayed in during recess to help them out. There were lots of problems with the girls. “They’re just jealous, the teachers would say”  OF WHAT? I would think. I had no friends, no siblings or money and spent lots of time alone or with neighborhood kids who were generally much younger. I think the teachers were not sure why the kids were so mean so they used the jealousy thing to try to make me feel better. I had” new girl syndrome”  for almost 3 years. As a result, I developed a thick skin and started doing my own thing. Eventually things changed, but the years of being an outsider were deeply rooted in my soul, attitude and behavior. I became sarcastic towards others, towards groups and
I figured out that if I could put it down, make fun of something then I would “feel “ better, and those started to agree with me. I was able to make them feel shitty if they didn’t agree with me.

This yoga class in Philly, brought back LOTS of these feelings, being along, not fitting in, feeling like an outsider,and THEN on TOP Of that not being able to talk with my friends about how weird it was and how much it sucked, really put me in a mood. The class was a level 1/2 or open but I had no clue what I was doing. I looked around the room, I grew more angry that I couldn’t ask anyone anything. The teacher walked past me, didn’t notice anything and kept her thin and light frame floating by me each time she came near. There was the air of eliteness I had felt when I came in. I am in the center of the room, and I cannot get up and walk out. I want out. I hate this. Everyone knows I can’t do this. This is so horribly embarrassing. Anxiety, fear and anger came to the surface rather quickly and then tension. Lots of tension. Finally, class ended.

I was getting my things together, the teacher came over and in front of everyone said, “You really need to go to the yoga basics or introduction class. You don’t belong here in this class”. Everyone was staring at me, my friends put their heads down. My heart was in my throat, my stomach in knots. “okay, thanks”  I said, in a very none appreciative way. I tried not to cry. I tried to hold my breath, hold in everything that I WANTED to say to her about making me feel so bad about myself- and how snotty she was and this studio. Yoga was for elite, skinny girls. my original thoughts were confirmed and I booked it out of there.

My friend stopped asking me to come to class, and we never brought it up again.

Okay, so now you are thinking.. well how did you come to OWN a yoga studio??
wow.. things are different now, yoga is a part of each and every day in fact, each and every moment of my life. .. stay tuned to hear more about the growth and development of my journey as a yoga teacher.... more to come!

- Pleasance