Thanks Brandice, for passing this on to us. What wonderful teachings here in this text. And lil omm is THRILLED to host Karen Maezen Miller here to DC in April.
We spoke in our postnatal class last week about the CHALLENGES we face with asking for help as women, as mothers. Read below for some guidance , support and mindful love. ENOY!

From Karen Maezen Miller...
"First let me say how humbled I am by the questions. More than that, I am proud of everyone. When we ask for help, we empower ourselves to make a positive change.

I grouped the questions together by type, so each response applies to dozens of questioners. Even though our circumstances are unique, the underlying issues we face are common. Most of us are disappointed with ourselves – our anger, our impatience and our feelings of imbalance. We feel out of control and anxious about the future – about how our children will survive and thrive.

I hope readers find a glimmer of hope and encouragement in the answers that follow. If what I say is not quite enough, please contact me personally through my website atwww.karenmaezenmiller.com and give me a second chance to help. I will do my best. Thank you for your patience and kindness.

Q: How do you keep your cool in the face of outright defiance? How do you deal with the drama and stresses without losing it? How do you keep a zen-like attitude? Where do I find patience?

A: All of us lose our cool. What matters is that we find it again. I can’t pretend to keep my cool in the face of defiance, even though I’d like to. The job of children is to defy their parents. Kids are always stretching boundaries for themselves and for us. It’s how they grow, face consequences, learn responsibility and become independent. It’s also how we grow as parents. Our children resist us because they must, and in a way, it’s a sign of how much they trust us.

What helps me most is to step away – literally. I try to go into another room, take a comfortable seat, catch my breath and slow down. There is a chair in my room I call my “quiet chair.” When I come back I can speak my mind without losing it. I can say, rather than scream, “I’m upset right now. I don’t like what is happening right now. I need you to change what you are doing right now. I’m sad. I’m angry. I’m tired. My head is about to explode.” My family always appreciates when I warn them about how I am feeling rather than suppress it until I erupt in rage. It’s like a weather report: they can adjust before the storm catches them off guard.

When I lose it, I can always apologize (even when it’s not my fault!) That’s the fastest way to bring the temperature down. Then we all start over. The truth is, we all want to find a way to get along, and working with myself is the fastest way to change the situation.

Q: How do I deal with my own nit-pickiness? I am a control freak and a perfectionist. I want the best for my daughter but I also want her to do her best.

A: This is a constant question for me. First of all, we’re all control freaks. We just have different ways we try to exert control. Sometimes we try to control things around us by what we do; sometimes we try to control things by what we don’t do. Give yourself credit. You have recognized that your expectations and fears may be at the root of the problem. When we act out of fear or guilt our decisions are not well-made.

From time to time I realize that everything I say to my family is a command, such as “Go do such and such!” or a correction, “You did it wrong,” or a second-guess, “Did you remember to do such and so?” Once I hear myself, I realize how I must sound to them! No wonder they tune me out!

We all want our children to do their best. We have to trust that we are all, always, doing our best, and remember that what encourages us all is positive reinforcement. Not false praise, but recognition. The other day I said to one of my daughter’s friends, “You’re a great kid.” My daughter turned to me accusingly. “You never tell me I’m a great kid!”

She was right. I’m too busy trying to turn her into a great kid to realize she already is one. Tell your daughter she’s a great kid, and give yourself a break. You’re a great mom too.

Q: How do I restore balance in my life?

A: The nature of balance is imbalance. Let’s all accept that it’s impossible to keep from tilting out of balance! The point is not that we tilt, but that we find our way back to center, moment after moment. This is the essence of faith.

Keep reminding yourself what your priorities are. In our hearts, we know what they are. In our daily lives, we keep forgetting. When I actively choose my work – even my housework! – over time with my children or husband, I have to be honest with myself. We have choices to make every moment of the day. When we are mindfully aware of the choice we are making, there is no need to feel guilty. We all have work to do, and when it’s time to work, work. When we get lost in our worries and preoccupations, wasting our time, then we need to correct ourselves.

The wonderful thing about children is that they need us far less than we think they do. Although our children may be in our constant company, they need our undistracted attention for one hour a day. This is an hour when we are not on the phone, on the computer, cleaning up, giving orders, getting angry, etc. That might sound impossible, but if we don’t have an hour a day to spend with our children talking, playing, and paying attention, then we have a problem we have to face.

I use a kitchen timer to keep track of time so I can devote my attention to my priorities single-mindedly without distracting myself. That even goes for “floor time” playing with my daughter (when she was little.)

Attention is the most important thing we can give our children. Attention is love, and what we pay attention to thrives. Just keep asking yourself, “What am I paying attention to right now?” You’ll find your balance again and again.

Q: I struggle with past mistakes and worry that my daughter will hate me. How can we make sure our children grow up knowing they are loved and full of worth?

A: We cannot change the past, but we can change the future. The best way to repair the past is to apologize, even if there was no way to have done anything differently. To do this, we have to stop obsessing about past events, stop casting blame and simply say, “I’m sorry.” It’s the fastest way to let go. The best way to change the future is to say, “I love you,” even if we can’t see the outcome of our love right away. These two things are the most that we can do, so we must do them, and forgive ourselves for everything else.

Q: How do I deal with my frustrations with my husband? I feel like I’m doing more than my fair share at home.

A: I’m sure you are doing more. You are doing things your way, and he is doing things his way. This is true in all relationships. The purpose of a relationship is to teach us how to get along with people who don’t do things our way! (I hate that part.) I understand your resentment, fatigue and worry. I have those feelings every day. You can continue doing things the same way, realizing that even though they exhaust you they also give you a sense of order and fulfillment; and you can also practice giving others more time and space to pick up the slack. It always helps me to give myself some time off: an evening with girlfriends, or even by myself, so I can have fun, relax and refresh myself. My husband can have some daddy time. Then we can all start over with renewed appreciation for one another.

Q: Some days are good but some days are very bad. I need help keeping my head in the right place. Pointers and advice, please.

A: Here are 5 simple things I practice every day:

Ask for help. Ask for help from others – your children, your partner, your friends, your neighbors, your church – and pray. Prayer works.
Create a place for peace and quiet for yourself. Noise elevates stress. Although at first they will complain if you turn off the TV and all electronics, your children will benefit from an hour or two without them. Their nerves are fried too.
Breathe. When we are stressed we forget to breathe, especially to exhale. The breath is the body’s own calming device. When you focus on your breath it quiets the craziness in your head.
Pay attention to what is in front of you. If problems seem insurmountable, focusing on the one simple thing in front of you will keep you steady and unafraid. This may be something as simple as washing the dishes or sorting the laundry.
Let yourself go to sleep. Rest is a miracle cure, and things always look different in the morning.
About Karen Maezen Miller (from her Web site): I call myself an errant wife, delinquent mother, reluctant dog walker, expert laundress and stationmaster of the full catastrophe. I’m also a Zen Buddhist priest and teacher, or sensei, at the Hazy Moon Zen Center in Los Angeles. Don’t let that last part confuse you. I’m not the kind of priest you have pictured in your mind. I’m the kind of priest that looks a lot like you do, doing the same kinds of things you do, every day.

If every Tuesday afternoon you wheeled your garbage cans out to the curb and saw your next-door neighbor doing the very same thing, your neighbor would be me.


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